Random Arrows
by Dance of the Crazed
Summary: This is why Ashe can't get a man. OOC Ashe ONE SHOT.


**A/N: The idea for this came from no where really. I wanted to make a silly fic and I thought to myself, "Hey, Rassler got shot by an arrow!" Then, I thought some more, "Ashe sure hits on Balthier a lot…even though she and Basch should have babies…" More thinking came shortly after, "And she's acts cranky towards Vaan…blah blah blah." So this is what I got.**

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_During the beginning of the FF12 game…_

Ashe watched from a tower below as the war went on. She smiled to herself thinking of the farewell kiss they had shared.

"Rassler," Ashe sighed, "I hope you are alright."

After the princess spoke those words of concern, Rossler was struck down by an arrow.

Ashe jumped, "No, Rassler!"

_At the funeral…_

Ashe, dressed in her black gown, wept at the side of her deceased husband's coffin. She looked up at the dim light that shined through the stained glass windows.

"I swear," Ashe began in a whisper so soft that only she could hear, "I will never be with another man ever again from this day forward!"

_Two months later…_

The six forced together people sat at a table together. Vaan and Penelo were chatting and giggling, Basch twiddled his thumbs because tough guys twiddle their thumbs, and Balthier was talking with Fran, who had partial interest in what the sky pirate had to say. Ashe was looking at everyone, but one person mostly. Basch. Even though the man could be her father, Ashe was turned on by him. He was such a manly man. I mean look at the way he's twiddling his thumbs! Oh, so manly!

Basch sneezed. At that moment, Ashe leaped across the table and tackled Basch to the ground. The grown man was so throw to what had just happened that all he did was blink. The crazy woman that jumped across the table pined Basch down to the ground, holding hid arms down.

Vaan and Penelo's jaws dropped and Fran and Balthier gasped.

Basch, having an interest in Ashe, would have probably loved getting to know the girl better, but not like this. Not when she was pinning him.

"Ashe," Basch began, "What in the world are you doing?

The pretty princess kissed the soldier on the lips gently and whispered in his ear, "I'm hoping you'll meet me again later."

Basch sighed and pushed Ashe off of his stomach. Then, he stood up and looked down at the smiling Ashe who looked like she would start humping his leg any minute now. Basch gulped.

"Okay, Ashe, lis-" Before Basch could finish he was struck down. By an arrow. The soldier collapsed to the floor with a loud smack.

The four occupied at the table dropped their jaws.

Ashe's face looked so distorted that it was funny.

After being in shock for a while, Lady Ashe stood up and headed for the door. The rest of the party followed her.

_That night…_

Inside the Strahl Ashe wandered around. She heard a familiar voice in the next room. It was the smooth and sexy sky pirate, Balthier.

Ashe peeked around the corner and saw Balthier, rummaging through some of his closets. Balthier heard her loud footsteps and turned around. Ashe leaned on the door fame trying to look seductive, instead Balthier found this very amusing.

"What are you doing?" Balthier sighed.

Ashe slowly stroked her thigh with her hand, "Balthier," she hesitated, "Why don't you love me?"

"Balthier was confused, "What?"

"Stop avoiding the subject," Ashe snapped, "You knew I wanted you! Why don't you want me the way I…" She dashed up to him and grabbed his collar. "The way I need you."

"Because," Balthier smiled.

"Because?" Ashe hissed, "That's not a good reason!"

"Because I love sexy women!" Balthier said with a smirk on his face, pointing behind him. Suddenly, an expected Fran crashed though the roof, making a loud entrance, and struck a pose, followed by a wink.

Ashe snarled and stole a kiss. Balthier pushed her off of him and spat.

"What in Ivalice was that-" Before Balthier could finish his sentence an arrow hit Balthier, and killed him dead.

Ashe gasped and Fran looked at her, very confused. Fran slowly backed away, which toke forever, out the door and the same look of confusion was engraved on her face.

Ashe stomped her foot like a four-year-old throwing a tantrum and stormed out of the room.

_Very late at night…_

Vaan was asleep in his room, curled up in his blanket, sucking his thumb. But, what the drooling blonde boy didn't know is that Ashe was standing at the doorway. She slowly crept to the side of Vaan's bed, staring at him with lustful eyes.

Vaan made an annoyed noise and opened his eyes. To his surprise he saw a belly of a woman.

"Penelo?" Vaan said sleepily, "Are you okay? Did you have a bad dream and want to cuddle with the amazing Vaan?"

As the ditsy blonde's eyes followed the woman's body he gasped before getting to the face. Then, his eyes widened at his eyes shot up to the face of a mad woman.

"Ashe," Vaan squeaked sitting up very quickly, "What are you doing here?"

Vaan was highly disturbed by the princess's possessed look.

"Vaan," Her voice was held no emotion, "Vaan, I'm so lonely tonight."

That girl's voice sent a chill down his spine. "Umm, I'm sorry." He hesitated to see if her face would change, but it didn't. "Do you want to talk?"

Ashe slowly dropped her head, "No Vaan," her voice was creepier than ever.

Vaan backed up a little.

Ashe shot her head up and tackled Vaan snarling, "I want to act upon it!"

Vaan let out the most feminine scream and was easily pinned underneath the crazy lady.

Then, her face showed an expression of demented desire. Vaan whimpered.

"Love me!" Ashe barked and dove for a kiss.

Once she finished up her kiss she was about to do more, when an arrow shot Vaan.

Vaan smiled and his very last words were, "Ashe, you're a psycho bitch."

Ashe blinked dumbly. She roared and was pulling her hair.

"What the hell is up with these fucking arrows?!"

Ashe raged through the halls of the Strahl and reached the cockpit where Penelo was at the wheel, wired on coffee. Penelo whipped her head around and grinned at Ashe. She was shaking so much that one would think she had a vibrating chair.

"Ashe," Penelo shouted, "What's up girl?"

"Move!" Ashe barked, throwing to twitchy girl and her magic drink to the floor.

Ashe toke control on the wheel. Penelo shook her head after being thrown at a wall and gasped. Her coffee was spilt right in front of her.

"My coffee!" Penelo gasped, lapping it up from the floor.

Ashe put on a parachute and let go of the controls.

"Farewell, Penelo!" Ashe cried running down the hall.

Penelo ignored her still trying to lick ever bit of coffee of the floor.

Ashe opened a door at the side of the Strahl and jumped. She giggled as she fell, like the insane princess that she is.

_Two days later…_

Ashe awoke in a fluffy, warm bed. She gazed around, not recognizing any thing she saw. She blinked dumbly for the longest time until a familiar woman walked in the room. For a while the princess stared at her. Who was she?

While Ashe was pondering this, Al-Cid walked in the room.

"Oh," It finally came to Ashe. It was the woman who carried his glasses.

Ashe blushed once she saw Al-Cid. He was a very attractive man. With an ascent to die for and a wonderful body. Then, her mind slipped into the deepest part of the gutter.

Al-Cid's echoing voice (because the room was large) interrupted the princess's most darkest and dirty thoughts, "Well, well. Lady Ashe, I see you are awake now."

Ashe blinked, "What?"

"Well, you see, my lady," Al-Cid began walking towards the "in that kind of a mood" Ashe, "I was out walking with my beautiful lady assistant," He said pointing at a, now, blushing Lady, **(A/N: Okay. Because the poor girl has no name, I will refer to her as 'Lady') **"And then, what do I see right before my eyes? The young Lady Ashe, lying on the Phon Coast, unconscious. Being the gentleman I am I could just leave you lying around."

Ashe tried to keep her eye with his, but they kept falling.

"Lady," Al-Cid called to his assistant, "Fetch the princess some lunch, eh?"

Lady nodded and scurried off. Ashe's heart stopped. She was all alone with Al-Cid.

Al-Cid was tired of standing and sat at Ashe's bed side. It was quiet for a few seconds and then, Ashe broke the silence, "Al-Cid,"

He looked at her, "Yes? What is it?"

"I-I-I'm," Ashe couldn't say it.

"You…what?" Al-Cid blinked.

She pounced on the young, possibly Mexican, man. Al-Cid was surprised at first, but he cracked a sly smile.

"My Lady," Al-Cid was half laughing, "Am I that irresistible?"

"Yes." The princess answered quickly, breathing some what hard from tackling him.

Al-Cid chuckled, "Ah, I am afraid you are to late, my Lady."

"Too late?"

"Yes, for I am with my pretty little assistant, Lady. Not you, Lady Ashe."

Ashe pouted. Soon after, she shrugged and, swiftly, kissed him. Al-Cid shook his head afterwards.

"What possessed you to do that? I told you already I-" But the man was cut short by an arrow. Al-Cid died right on the spot.

She beat on the corpse of Al-Cid in frustration.

"Why, why, why, WHY?!" Ashe yelled at the walls, "Where are these arrows coming from? Show yourself!"

Ashe whipped her head around and saw nothing. She finally got off of him and snuck out the window, climbing down vines that grew on the side of the mansion. Se reached the bottom and gazed around at her surroundings. She was in a garden. It was beautiful. There were so many wild and exotic flowers that Ashe's jaw dropped. Out in the distance she saw a familiar boy, sitting on a bench in the middle of the plants blooming with rich colors.

Ashe walked over to him, "Larsa?"

Larsa looked up and was shocked to see her standing in front of him, "Oh, Lady Ashe, "He stood up and bowed, "I thought you were still unconscious."

Ashe shrugged.

Larsa smiled, "I'm glad you're alright."

Ashe had an odd overwhelming feeling of lust. But, what she couldn't figure out was why it was for Larsa.

The young Lord picked a small, yellow flower and presented it to Ashe. "Here, for you."

Ashe knelt down to his height and reached for the carnation. Her heart raced as she inched closer and closer to his hand. Ashe's hand stopped. Larsa blinked.

"What's wrong? Is it the flower?"

Ashe knew it wasn't the flower at all. Without hesitation she grabbed Larsa's fore arm, pulled him close and kissed him. After she was done Larsa fell on his bottom. Ashe stood and Larsa backed away from her, still on his butt. She stepped toward the horror stricken boy and he tried to crab walk away. Helplessly, he tripped over his hands and shivered in the shadow of Ashe, who loomed over him. He whimpered like a scared puppy. As soon as he decided to run, he was taken down by an arrow.

Instead of throwing a fit, the princess started to laugh. No, it wasn't the cute kind of feminine laugh, either. It was a devilish, crazy giggle. Thankfully, Larsa didn't have to live to hear such a sound.

After she was done she hobbled away onto the streets like a gorilla.

_One day later…_

Ashe dragged her feet though an unknown desert. She was completely lost. The clouds refused to be near the sun that day. She couldn't get any shade. Also, she needed water, food, and a good night's rest. Ashe fell to her knees. Slowly, she lied down in the hot sand. Her eyes were only meant to close for a moment, but stayed closed throughout the day.

_That night…_

Ashe woke up in alarm. She thought she had died for a moment, but soon realized that she was in a small tent. A bowl of water was set by the thirsty princess so she gulped it down.

"My, you are a noisy one aren't you?" a deep voice came from outside. Reddas peeked inside the tent, "It is good that you are not dead. I thought you would be."

Ashe, slowly, made her way out of the tent. It was early morning and the sky was some what dark. Reddas sat down in the sand and drank a bowl of soup. Ashe sat and she could feel her mouth water, watching him drink the creamy liquid. Or was it because of Reddas that she was drooling. After all, he was an attractive man.

Reddas looked at the starving Ashe. "You probably would want some soup, no?"

So he gave her a nice bowl of soup, which was consumed in seconds. Reddas laughed. The morning he served her seven full bowls of soup.

After her last bowl she looked down at the sand and up at Reddas. Ashe had an unusual question at the tip of her tongue.

"Reddas," she began not making eye contact. Reddas looked up from his bowl, waiting for her to speak again. "Do you…love me?"

Reddas almost choked from the crazy question. "What?"

"Do you love me?"

"No." He said flatly, finishing his food.

"Would you have sex with me?" She asked like it was an everyday question.

Reddas began to laugh, "Have sex with you?" He stood up at pointed behind him, "I only do sexy woman, not little girls!" And there she was. Ashe cringed at the sight of the woman Reddas pointed at.

"I thought you died alone with your precious ship, Fran!" Ashe barked.

The Viera linked arms with Reddas, "No, silly girl, I am not dead."

Ashe snarled. "Why do you have to live and breathe?! Why can't I just get rid of you?!"

The Viera sighed, "Because you can not rid of me."

Ashe tried to think up something that would hurt Fran, "You know that Balthier kissed me and that we are going to have babies and he will be my king and never ever fly the skies with you ever again!!"

Fran chuckled, "There are so many things wrong with that abnormally long sentence of yours. For starters, you kissed Balthier. He had no intensions of even touching you. Another thing is you can not steal the skies away from Balthier. He is too dedicated to them, no matter what anyone tells you. Lastly, Balthier wouldn't be your king and have any offspring with you because of the obvious fact that he has no interest in you."

Ashe was pale and her jaw was dropped.

Reddas was snickering and whispered under his breath, "Burn!"

Ashe's eye twitched and she kissed Reddas, just because she knew he would get shot by the random arrow soon after. And he did.

Ashe kicked the sand all around her. "That is it! No more men! I should just switch to girls!"

As the princess finished her hissing she came to a sudden stop with her stomping and looked at Fran. As much as she hated her, she winked at the Viera. Fran's face was as pale as it could get.

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**A/N: Tada! This was a total pull-out-from-my-ass story. Yes, I do love to make fun of Ashe. I don't know why. :) Please review!**


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